Dagadu  speaks about your sweet September. Happy Birthday Dear Virgos !

Aries :  Dear ram, keep  your head out of  fire for the whole month. Preferably keep away from cooking stove, eat at some restaurants. Remember your are still recovering from your burns (cigarettes) caused to your lungs. Sept dosen’t seem much promising on this front either, keep low.  Not that you wont have +ve strides, your Ex  may commit  into same sex relation causing you extreme relief. Not happening month, hug  first 7 beggars at signals and beg 2 rupees from them- twice a week.

Taurus: The bulls have may kiss the nadir at stock market. Bankruptcy is lurking around the corner, to keep it at bay, stop gifting your wife, cos her boyfriend already takes care of that.You need to  care for more important matters, neighbours dog is suffering from H1N1 you need to babysit it, your maid servant’s daughter needs gifts from you confused son, and you need to replace the R with Z in your name. Your Lucky day  (your case night) will be 17th Sept, lucky number 48C7E572F. Twice a week chew gum-balls with left molar – 3 tulsi leaves under right molar (do not chew) while chanting Lakshmi Chalisa aloud.-

Gemini:   Dear twins (though you not), Sept shall change your life, you may opt for sex change operation finally.  You may get rid of the confused title, you will replace you denims with pink. You being  the zodiac’s chatter corner shall experience lull this month.  Log onto High Five, find more friends,  join Himesh  Reshammaiya community, try getting addicted to Radio Cylon. You shall try adventure this month by imitating Traffic havaldar at some chowk or get  trekking experience by being a postman. Get 9 clean pigs from faraway land, 3 black, 3 white (not pink) 3 gray (60% white+40% black) offer them honey laced  Black Forrest cake for 3 days per week.

Cancer: The cry babies will have no time to cry this month.  You will have to babysit your Ex’s children, along with you unmarried half brother suffering from nocturnal emissions. You may have sleepless nights (not cos of prince charming) either due to genetic insomnia condition or urine infection.  You need to visit a orthopedics for the backbone issues.  Speak less even if you are call center executive,  there remains potential threat to your career, may try your luck with local movie director as alternative career. Use home grown 3 hibiscus  petals  mixed with Castor oil  walk to river  and facing 37% northwest,  throw the petals in Nirriti direction. Perform this daily at crack of dawn.

Leo :  Dude your sunny days  will be clouded. The sun shall be rendered weak this month, You may face extreme pressure at job  and may tend to kill your subordinate. On more happy note you will not be needed to pay your lexus car tax as  it will  be stolen.   You shall also save money as you maid shall quit. Let no other cat cut your way, or a dog may bite your right cheek (butt). Stay indoors and keep your competitive edge sharp playing  indoor sports like ludo, business,  or snakes and ladders.  College goers may attend Rave parties in Bal Gandharv Rang Mandir.  Keep away from females of other prides as you may be bashed up.  Use Listerine to clean ear wax,  pour Axe deodorant over every alternate toilet paper and roll again. Maintain hygine.

Virgo: Married or unmarried men be carefool of you girlfriends. This is your birthday month and you have great guest like Saturn in your home.  If possible try and raise morals, keep away from dark lanes. Avoid hiring maid servant to prevent Shiney Ahuja embarrassment syndrome. Keep Tab on the testosterone levels.  Remove the piercing from the hidden area, it may cause pain.  Develop self restraint by watching the X rated material online. Every  Friday take 2 tablespoons of lemon juice, mix  unsaturated coconut oil , turmeric,  fresh banana juice (without seeds) and apply it to center of your back with your hand , no help.  Take care not to spill over the lotion or 34 yrs bad luck.

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Libra:  Your scales are to miss the balance.  Unmarried men be careful with chat session when you strip for your girlfriend for sake of love or taking relation to next level .  She may record and publish you over You tube, making you instant hit.  Though you may attract glory, but will have to switch to professional stripping. To avoid  misfortune enter home late wearing pink  scouts scarf, with black rope tied to your waist murmuring aloud  füögkäiyèrehhkyllaeiouügüög 3  times.

Scorpio: Guys you gonna rock, yep the kidney stones which you  were suffering for long will leave your urinary system. Also you may get freely operated for the prostrate. Some one’s getting lucky.  Avoid anger better stop watching reality shows, esp with SMS voting, to avoid irritation further stop watching Comedy programs too.  Switch to Astha channel. When angry  calmly say Faa Kaa  and repeat the mantra Kutte Kamine main tera khoon pe jaunga 108 times.

Saggi : Switch to normal jeans, buy denim a lot this month. Ripe time to give up old  habits, and begin new ones. Stop collecting stamps, and switch to collecting human hair, or human nails. To get better idea on what to do in life  you will get chance to meet very old man (drunk) on railway track middle of night on the New moon day this month. All you need is to travel to Dantewada  via Gadhchiroli,  carry tulsi mala chanting  上 帝 給 我做 妻 子 很 快。

Capri : This is your month.  The month you have been waiting is finally here, after year longs hard work its time to rest. The stomach ache that you had since last 2 week is nothing but  Colon ulcers.  You need to get admitted also for the  Hepititis Q treatment. Thus you might finally  get to rest in hospital,  so plan for the whole month. Lady luck shines on you this month. To encash this luck  make a love potion. Take bitter gourd juice  mix 2 tbsp asafoetida, to this add dry bombay duck essence, keep this in sun for two days before you drink it. Drink it through nose.

Aquarius : Time to take a bath Oh! water bearer.  The matted hair needs cut, meet a local Gardner he shall offer assistance in cutting the hair. This will be social month, you  shall meet people from all walks of life, participate in walking marathon. You may loose money in cock fight, but get  great tandoori treat at end of it. College  freshers practice the Tofa Qabool karo session. Shape up your buttocks,  practice shavasan and sit squatted for min 3 hrs singing jingle bells.

Pisces :  Time for vacation. Go to Konkan beach and try variety to fish cuisines there. You might a chance to attend Eid celebration from Muammer Gaddafi where he announce his futuristic views about world. You may  win a gold coin in you soap only to find that its fake gold, for which you may face theft charges. To avoid this beg stale oil from a beggar sitting in front of Ganesha temple. Bring it daily home and apply to your feet. Your lucky number = (89849682383 /25998173835)x 41084.

PS: Remember Dagadu speaks but nobody listens.